


Second Verse

by Ladytalon



Category: Borderlands
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Awkwardness, Background Relationships, Drunk Sex, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, First Time, Frottage, Humorous Ending, Morning After, Past Relationship(s), Regret, Reminiscing, Second Chances
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-19
Updated: 2016-02-25
Packaged: 2018-05-21 16:20:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6057958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ladytalon/pseuds/Ladytalon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This second verse is going to be <i>better</i> than the first... if he can survive that long.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A gift to remember.  Or not.  Probably not.

Mercenary Day dawns bright and cold, with quite a few drunken brawlers who have beaten each other to a pulp. Zed's called out of the warmth of his bed to deal with it and he fumbles for his clothes, squinting at the time code on his ECHO screen. Well, it's not as early as he'd feared but he's still not thrilled to be woken up - he'd been in the middle of a dream about helping the Crimson Raiders bomb the skag dens. Zed doesn't particularly like being out in the cold, but he likes skags even less. He yawns as he pulls his boots on, heading down the steps into his clinic so that he can flip on the lights and unlock the front door.

The injuries aren't too bad - all he really needs to do is set a few broken bones and there's a head wound that needs stitches. Zed sends them on their way and considers climbing back into bed, but he knows he won't be able to go back to sleep just now. In the end he slaps a 'Back Soon!' sign on the front door and shrugs into his coat, hoping to find Moxxi still tending bar.

She's busily mopping up a spill on the scarred wood of the counter when he comes through the door, and he gives a contented sigh at how warm it is. The neon lights give everything a sleepy, comfortable glow that make him feel even more tired. "Hey there, Sugar. You need something to put you down, or get you up?"

"How well's the first one gonna work?" Zed deliberately ignores the suggestive comment - it's way too early in the day for flirting.

"It's not too bad if you're taking the day off to give Patty Tannis a big package to unwrap," Moxxi teases.

Zed smiles despite himself. "You got any plans for later?"

" _That_ depends on why you're asking." She laughs when his smile dissolves into a scowl. "I really do miss your brother."

He reaches into his coat and withdraws her gift, a pack of Anshin's finest taped to a tin of Body Spackle, nudging it across the bar to her. "Which one?"

Moxxi's face softens. "Why don't you ever talk about him?"

"I figure there ain't much left to say."

She takes the needles and slips them back behind the counter, sliding an amber-colored bottle over to him in exchange. "How about calling Ned in for a visit, then?"

Zed's not surprised at all to find that Moxxi knows that Ned's still among the living. "One of these days," he promises her, lifting the bottle to examine the Zaford label on it as he stands up. "Thanks."

"Likewise, Sugar. Something to go, then?" 

He asks for coffee and drops a few coins into the tip jar while she transfers it into one of the cheap earthenware mugs she's started using for takeaway orders and drunkards; if it breaks, it’ll just crumble back into clay. "Hey, thanks for the business earlier."

Moxxi folds her arms beneath her breasts, taking such a deep breath that he's a little worried she'll just pop right out of her bra. "Just doing my part to boost the local economy. Happy Mercenary Day, Sugar. Put a smile on that girl's face for me."

" _That_ explanation should be a fun one," Zed says drily. "Have a good one, Moxx."

He wraps the cuff of his coat around the mug because it's too hot to hold in his bare hands and heads back outside, intending to go out to the shield wall. Zed walks through the center of town until he gets to Scooter's, giving the garage a wide berth when he hears the clanging sounds of someone hard at work in there. He takes a seat right at the edge, taking careful sips of his coffee because Moxxi doesn't mess around when it comes to potentially scalding her customers. Whenever he needs to get away by himself and really _think_ about things, this is where (and when) he likes to go. The town's still quiet and he's not needed for anything, so Zed swings his legs idly and thinks about his family for a while. It _is_ Mercenary Day, after all, even if it hadn't started out that way. He can't even remember half of the traditions they'd had growing up; it just seemed like his parents had always been _tired_ \- their mother, especially, but now that he's older he understands what a toll their birth had taken on her. 

Zed has no idea how she'd managed to carry them as long as she had, let alone manage to keep all three of them alive and healthy; Pandora isn't an easy place for the helpless. That’s probably why he hasn’t searched out a long-term relationship before now; he can’t imagine consciously bringing a child into a world like this, though he would welcome one if a contraceptive failure occurred. Their mother had thought that Zed would definitely be the one to continue the Blanco line, even though all three of her sons were apt to step out with another boy as well as with a girl. There had been several times when Zed had thought he would become a father earlier than he’d ever thought possible; despite the fact that he and his brothers were outwardly identical, he had been the triplet most sought after by any young men and women passing through Fyrestone eager for new experiences...and a lot of the time, that meant that they wanted to rid themselves of their virginity. He supposes it’s because he’s always been more reserved than his brothers and how he prides himself on his thoroughness that he was chosen first, but after they became comfortable they’d inevitably leave him in favor of Ted’s wildness or Ned’s sense of humor. Of course, his brothers had become upset with him because Zed had been first. It’d been a relief when Ned had taken the job in Jakob’s Cove, but nothing had prepared him for losing Ted to the Atlas Corporation. He still thinks it was too high a price to pay for finally gaining a measure of individuality.

Most people have no idea that the Blanco ‘twins’ are only two-thirds of a set of _triplets_ and that the missing third is off who-knows-where killing people for a living. Ned's survival isn't common knowledge, either, but at least _Zed_ knows that he's still alive. He's hoping to bring Ned into Sanctuary soon, because his brother has never taken to solitude very well, but Zed first has to make sure the Vault Hunters are willing to forgive if not forget. Then he has to make sure Ned doesn't get up to his old tricks with any of the town's inhabitants - Zed's fairly certain he's learned his lesson but you never quite knew, with Ned.

His thoughts turn to Patricia Tannis as he sits there nursing his coffee, sliding his sleeves back up so that he can cradle the warm cup in his hands. They've been seeing each other for a month or so, and it's been going a lot better than he'd ever hoped. Of course, she still tries to get him into bed every chance she gets and Zed's finally feeling ready to let her drag him off somewhere private. Ever since their first date, he's been trying to rearrange his home to be a place where she'll feel comfortable; it hasn't been easy trying to figure out what her favorite things are without actually _asking_ , but Zed's sure that he's gathered enough information. She seems to like the color red and a lot of people expect some form of candlelight, so he's traded a few shields with Hark and Ennis Gutter for a box of them - apparently Barlo had been quite the candle aficionado before he'd taken up murder as a hobby. Zed's purchased two more pillows and a few new blankets; he's not sure what else he could possibly need, but his living area has been cleaned to within an inch of its life and there's no bacon anywhere.

Zed supposes that the only thing left to do is to invite her over, but then he has to figure out what he's supposed to say to her about it. It has to be just _right_ , which includes the part about asking her to come over. He smiles at the thought of her, and thinks about the Mercenary Day gift he'd selected for her - she's always making notes with that ECHO recorder she carries everywhere with her, so he found two spare power sources for it. Zed's only planning on giving her one of them later in the day, and saving the other for an occasion where he might need to buy his way out of trouble; it never hurts to be prepared. If something goes wrong when he's... _with_ her...for the very first time, the spare will come in handy.

He finishes the coffee and stands up to drop the cup over the edge - maybe it'll brain one of those damned stalkers on its way down. Whoever had hung up all those signs about 'invisible assholes' had the right idea, name-wise. Zed shoves his hands back into his pockets as he walks back to his clinic, stopping to talk to Janey - for it had been her making all that noise earlier, but with Athena skulking around in the depths of the shop he'd bet that nothing was actually getting built. He wishes both of them a happy Mercenary Day, nodding to Athena as he leaves. Zed's known the Gladiator for a while and she's always made him a tiny bit nervous because he knows she's ex-Atlas. It's common knowledge that she'd thinned out the Atlas ranks after she'd learned that she was tricked into murdering her own sister, and Zed knows she'd tell him the truth if he asked...but he's not ready to find out that she's responsible for Ted's death, so he limits their interactions to small talk only. One of the worst days of his life had been when some of the Vault Hunters had come into his clinic - for _healing_ \- while they congratulated themselves on killing Ned. 

He doesn't ever want a repeat of that.

A quick check of the donation bin shows that someone's chucked their half-eaten sandwich in there, so Zed fishes it out after he's unlocked the front door and gotten a pair of gloves. He's been getting the strangest things in there lately, like women's clothing and dead animals. He spends the rest of his morning cleaning the refrigerated compartments and messing with a severed limb because there has to be _some_ way to bind cybernetics to living tissue that doesn't involve potential hydraulics poisoning...it's bound to have some kind of fancy name, but since it has to do with the fluid in the hydraulic system that's what he calls it. Zed's seen enough of it to be able to stop it before it really gets going, but he's still working on making the whole issue obsolete. It'd be nice to have access to the newest medical journals out of Hephaestus, or even Demophon, because someone there has probably already worked it out - he'll be long dead by the time that kind of information filters its way out to Pandora, and he'll be damned before he asks anyone at Hyperion for advice about it. 

Marcus stops by to visit and neither of them mentions anything about Mercenary Day, but Zed opens the bottle of Zaford whiskey and they share a drink. They talk shop for a while before Marshal Friedman comes in to ask a few questions about the early morning fight at Moxxi's - apparently the man whose head Zed had stitched up had been found dead over by the black market. Just remembering it makes him start to yawn, but he stifles the urge until Friedman leaves and Zed starts to seriously consider closing up so that he can take a nap.

He's leaning his head back against the wall, slumped in his chair with his eyes closed, when Patricia comes in. She's either talking to herself or her ECHO recorder, and her cheeks are so red with cold that it's clear that she's been wandering around outside for a while. "Mornin', Tricia," Zed greets her.

Patricia doesn't acknowledge his presence beyond coming over to plop herself in his lap. "...and after I insisted upon it, the foul man still did not return my unmentionables! He claimed that since they had been given freely, he was under no obligation to return them despite the fact that my other brassieres have all disappeared to parts unknown," she says, lifting her right hand sharply before pausing to stare at her fingers. "Well, this is unfortunate. I was under the impression that I was dictating. I know I had been carrying my ECHO recorder, but now it is gone."

"Where's the last place you had it?" Zed asks helpfully. "You wanna go look for it? I'll help ya search - if I don't get outta here I'll probably fall asleep right when someone really _does_ need me."

She stares down at him as if wondering why her chosen seat is speaking to her, then leans in to kiss his lips. "Very well."

He asks her about what kind of morning she's having, and tells her about being woken up so early - predictably, Patricia offers to let him sleep in her bed with no clothes on. "Not just yet," he tells her gently. "Soon, though. C'mon, let's find your thing."

Patricia is telling him a story about giving Crazy Earl some of her panties and a bra, which turns out to be what she'd been venting to her ECHO recorder about; it seems that the rest of her bras have gone missing. Zed, however, knows exactly where they've gone - the organ donation bin in front of his clinic. He really should've known they were hers, but she hadn't mentioned it and he hadn't thought to ask. Zed promises to return them as soon as they go back to his place, because he's kept everything in a box and shoved it into one of the cooling unit's cubicles. They find Patricia's ECHO recorder atop one of the old green Dahl dumpsters, and hurry back to his clinic to warm up.

There's a patient waiting for him outside when they return, but it's just a toothache so Patricia fiddles with the recorder while Zed determines that the tooth will have to be pulled if the woman doesn't want her jaw turning septic. There's a lot of blood and a decent amount of screaming - mostly done by Patricia who's read somewhere that a person in pain needs a supportive audience and backing vocals, until Zed asks her to please stop it. When the poor woman leaves and he's scrubbing at his hands (and face, unfortunately) over the sink, Patricia comes over to watch and inform him when he's missed a spot. Zed changes his blood-smeared apron and pulls on a fresh pair of gloves before he tosses a clean sheet over the exam table. The front door gets locked again. "C'mon over here and sit for a while," he suggests. When she hops up beside him, Zed hands her the gift he'd wrapped in gauze because he didn't have anything fancier. "Happy Merc Day, Trish."

She stares at the package, looking horrified about something. "I...have never received..." Patricia seems close to tears and doesn't reach out for it, so he takes her hand and places his gift into it. She immediately tries to return it. "But I don't have-"

Zed doesn't bother telling her not to worry about it, because she's very obviously worried about it. "I bet you do, though, honey - you got anything in your pockets?"

Patricia bites her lip, and starts digging in her pockets - she comes up with a palmful of lint, an old gasket, and something that probably used to be a piece of food. She picks up the gasket and looks at him hesitantly, then drops it into his palm when Zed holds out his hand for it. "I am sorry that it is not a real gift, Zed," she says, looking up into his eyes again.

"It's the nicest one I've ever gotten," he says honestly, "'cause it's from you." Zed kisses her lightly. "Thank you."

She slowly unwraps what he's given her, and promptly looks overwhelmed once more when she realizes what it is. Patricia turns to him and presses her face into his chest in silent thanks; he strokes her hair and wonders why no one in this damned town has bothered to become her friend before now. When she's recovered enough where it doesn't look like she'll start to cry after all, Zed mentions the whiskey and asks if she'd like to have a drink with him. They usually have one or two shots when they've been out on a date together, stopping into Moxxi's to try something different - it's actually turned into something that Zed looks forward to. He's not a big drinker, usually sticking to the occasional rakk ale during or after a meal, but it's fun to try something new with someone he truly enjoys spending time with. "I believe that I would like that," Patricia says. "My emotional instability could use some equalization."

Zed doesn't have any more clean glasses and he can't give her the one that Marcus had used, so he wipes off the mouth of the bottle and offers it to her. "This way you can tell it's okay to drink from," he explains when Patricia gives him the hairy eyeball about it. She makes him wipe it off one more time before she'll take it from him, then takes a bigger swig from it than she really should - Zed can see her throat working as she swallows and reaches out to snatch the bottle from her. "Whoa now, sweetheart - how much've you had to _eat_ today?"

"Who has time to eat when there is so much to discover?" Patricia demands. "You know quite well that I do not require a- a _nurse_."

"Uh huh." Zed takes a drink and reaches for the cap with the intention of closing it back up, but Patricia intercepts the bottle and takes another gulp like she's dying of thirst. "Honey, that ain't a good idea."

Patricia blinks at him. "Have I ever told you, Zed, that you have an exceptionally hairy chest?"

"I do believe that's been mentioned once or twice, come to think of it." Zed puts the bottle back to his lips, forgetting that he was supposed to close it up again. The whiskey goes down smooth as anything, reminding him that it never hurts to get on Moxxi's good side.

"I've read that an abundance of chest hair can be a mark of virility amongst mature males," she says, taking another mouthful of whiskey before passing it back to him. "Are you?"

Zed tips the bottle back. "Am I...what, now? Old?"

Her hand slips its way up his thigh, and he can't for the life of him think of why he should remove it. "Virile."

"I dunno. Maybe? How'm I s'posed to be able to tell?" He rubs at his temples, realizing too late that the lack of sleep has made him a great deal more susceptible to inebriation. Zed knows he should just go sleep it off, but he likes having Patricia so close to him. The amount of remaining alcohol in the bottle drops steadily. Her hand is still rubbing his thigh and it feels nice, so he kisses her and she kisses back. This feels even nicer, and it's not long before they're stretched out on the examination table kissing and working their way up to some fairly inappropriate touching. Zed's vaguely aware of all the alarm bells going off in the back of his head, but there's no way he can stop to listen because he's too busy unzipping his pants. 

The next thing Zed becomes aware of is how badly his head hurts. _Everything_ hurts. He pulls the blankets up over his face when the simple act of opening his eyes triggers a wave of agony because it feels as if someone's taken sandpaper to the inside of his eyelids. The memory of the Zaford whiskey, and what he'd done with its help, returns in an unpleasant rush when Zed realizes to his absolute horror that Patricia is in the bed with him.

He slowly turns his head to peer at her through carefully narrowed eyes, but there's not much to be seen except for a wild mop of dark hair sticking out from beneath one of the new red blankets. He'd bought it for this type of situation, but it's gone horribly wrong - there were supposed to be _candles_. Nothing in his plan allowed for drunken sex right in the middle of his clinic. They hadn't even taken their clothes off for it! 

It was supposed to be perfect.

Zed feels sick and ashamed that he'd allowed it to go so far; hadn't she admitted that she hadn't eaten anything? He should have stopped and escorted her home, or kept the clinic closed so that he could take a nap. Practically anything would have kept him from getting so drunk he couldn't even see straight, though apparently he'd seen just fine when Patricia had been right there in front off him. Beneath him. Oh, _God_. She rolls over to face him and when her eyes open, she lets out a shriek that makes his head feel like it's going to explode for sure. "Zed Blanco, what are you doing in my bed?" Patricia demands, sitting up. "Wait. This is not my bed...so it must be yours. Why are there so many _candles_?" She tugs the blankets back down when he flips them back over his head. " _Zed_."

Patricia looks down at him expectantly and he throws his forearm across his eyes as much to shield them from the light as to provide protection against _her_. "Yeah." 

"You smell terrible. Please brush your teeth." He groans and yanks the covers up again. She pulls them down and throws them onto the floor while he watches her from beneath his eyelashes. "While last night was very pleasant, do you suppose we could actually remove our clothing next time?"

"Last night was a _mistake_."

Patricia draws in a quick, hurt-sounding breath that he doesn't really hear. "A...mistake."

Zed sits up carefully, rubbing at his temples. "Wasn't s'posed to _happen_." Not like _that_.

"But you enjoyed it, I know you did," she insists, a strange look on her face. Her distress would be apparent if he weren't so hung over he's ready to meet his maker, but Zed feels so miserable about taking advantage of her that he just doesn't pick up on it.

"Nothin' woulda happened if I hadn't gotten so damned _drunk_ ," he insists. "Patricia, I'm...I'm so sorry."

She recoils as if he'd slapped her. "Sorry. You...you are _sorry_ ," she repeats. "I must leave immediately." Patricia swings her legs off of the bed and Zed sinks back into the mattress, feeling even worse because he's messed up _again_ somehow even if he doesn't really understand what's just happened. He fumbles for the bedside cabinet and gets out an Insta-Health injection, which he's used for migraines _and_ hangovers in the past. Zed only uses part of it because while he could really take the full amount, half is enough to get him operational while still leaving plenty of well-deserved discomfort.

He brushes his teeth before he does anything else, because it feels like an animal has crawled into his mouth and died there, then takes a long shower. Zed stays under the hot water until it turns cold, thinking about what a mess he's made of everything and wondering how he can ever make it right. Patricia had clearly been upset, but he's not sure exactly _why_ and it isn't the sort of thing he can just ask her...well, it kind of _is_ because Zed knows that's how she operates. The real problem is how he can get up enough courage to ask, because he doesn't think he's ever felt this ashamed of himself.

There are a few people waiting outside the clinic when he flips the sign on and unlocks the door, so his problems take a back seat to a nasty case of gangrene and an assortment of lacerations. Maya stops by to talk and though he's still not in the mood, Zed's always been careful to keep on good terms with both Sirens; it's not that hard with Maya, because she's a lot less unsettling than Lilith and Zed's genuinely fond of her. "...and then, my Phaselock just crushed him into a _ball!_ I mean, I know they'll take damage from it if I use it on them more than once but this seemed excessive," Maya says. "Have you ever heard of that happening before?"

"Not really, no. Which bandits you been tryin' it on?" Zed asks, wishing she would leave. Ordinarily, he enjoys it whenever she stops for a chat and she seems to finally figure out that he's just not up for it today.

"Nomads, mostly...you okay, Doc?"

"Me? Oh, I'm fine - a little hungover, is all."

Maya's lips curve into a smile. "Well, you should go see the man whose picture is all over those med vendors - I'm sure he could help you with that."

"Maybe I'll do that." Zed rubs the back of his neck and eyes her, wondering if she could give him some advice. Maya's always good for some off-the-cuff wisdom with that background of hers. "Hey...you, uh, you ever known someone to get so damned drunk that they did something they wouldn't normally do?"

"Who hasn't? Got a little wild last night around town, huh?"

He gives her a rueful smile. "Maybe more'n a little. Thing is, I...don't think they even remember half of it."

Maya nods seriously. "Well, if it bothers you too much...why not find out what the _other_ half was like? You can't make amends if you don't have all the information to do so."

"Uh, you mean if _I_ was the person I was talkin' about...right?"

She smiles. "Yes, of course."

"I'll let 'em know about that advice."

"You do that, Doctor. You do that. By the way...you still in the market for body parts?"

Zed's instantly distracted. "Why, you got some?"

"I've got a mission near the Highlands - the threshers have been causing a little too much trouble, so I could harvest a few tentacles if you're interested."

"Oooh, that...ain't such a good idea." He thinks about it anyway, because _what if_ he slapped a few tentacles on a skag? It would probably look freaky as hell but would be worth it for the entertainment value alone. Maybe it'd try to burrow! "Okay, get me about five or so - same rate as last time? Don't go tellin' nobody 'bout this."

They haggle over the price - Maya thinks she should get double since threshers are pretty dangerous, and reminds him about Terramorphous as if he should picture her going up against that behemoth times...however many threshers she's already being paid to kill. Zed reminds _her_ that since he wasn't the one who wanted her to kill any of the beasts to begin with, he shouldn't have to pay any more to harvest parts which would just be lying around after she's done her original job - if anything, he should be getting a discount. "Fine, I can do it for the same price," the Siren finally says.

"That's too bad, 'cause looks like I talked myself into that _discount_ I mentioned earlier. Subtract a thousand, and we got a deal."

Maya glares at him. "No way, Doctor 'Too Drunk To Fuck' - full _price_."

"I was _not_ too drunk, I-"

" _Gotcha_ ," Maya says smugly.

Well, he walked right into that one. "God _damn_ it!"

"Full price, Romeo. Take it, or leave it."

Zed sighs. "You're so evil, I dunno why your eyeballs ain't redder'n the flames of hell. Pay ya on delivery?"

"As long as it's..."

"Yeah, yeah. Full price." They seal the deal with a handshake and as she leans forward, the neck of her bodysuit shifts just enough for him to see something interesting. Zed's eyes narrow in calculation. "Nice hickey you got there, Miss Maya. Guess Krieg's learnin' somethin' new every day, huh?"

"I will Phaselock your _head_ ," she splutters. "Five hundred off; first and final offer."

Zed agrees before she can change her mind, and shows her to the door. "Not a word, mind."

"That goes both ways. Oh, and speaking of going both ways-"

"Nice seein' ya again, come back any time," Zed interrupts, giving her a shove over the threshold and slamming the door.

He paces the clinic's floor, counting all of the white tiles before going back over it and concentrating on the black ones. Zed knows he needs to go find Patricia and talk about what had happened, but every time his feet take him over to the door he can't bring himself to leave. What if someone needed medical help while he was gone? Maybe a patient had tried to come in all the times he'd locked the door during the past few days and they'll come back right as he leaves again - surely he can't do that to them. The excuses keep coming until the time comes for him to 'unofficially' close up; the sign out front says his clinic is 24/7, which is a holdover from some planet that's said to be the ancient birthplace of humankind - Zed can't imagine _anywhere_ with a day that lasts only 24 hours, but neither can any other native Pandoran. It takes 90 hours to make up a single day on Pandora, but he'll be damned if he stays open that long without an assistant. Even that annoying Claptrap unit he'd had in New Haven would be a help.

Zed flips the switch that powers his new 'Emergencies Only!' sign, and hooks the call button to a small device that he'd gotten Scooter to fix up for him - if anyone presses it, the matching ECHO device he carries with him will let him know that someone needs his help. He goes up to his living quarters and has another shower, changing his clothes while he wonders what he's going to eat for dinner. There's nothing in the cooling unit but the almost empty bottle of Zaford's Finest, which is the last thing he needs, so he gets his coat and heads out for Moxxi's.

The bar does double duty as a food market for the locals and while the prices are a bit higher than other suppliers, Zed finds that the quality and convenience of the service is well worth the extra cash. You could catch the damndest things, like worms or a serious case of death, from suppliers who don't keep their product fresh. Moxxi even has a delivery service that runs during the middle hours of the day, but Zed figures that he'll just pick up what he needs for the rest of the week after he finishes his dinner. He catches Moxxi's eye and reaches over the bar for one of her order forms after she nods in permission, then slides into a booth to scan it quickly. There's the usual offerings of raw skag, rakk, scaylion...and _scythid_? Gross. He adds a request for a few pounds worth of greens and tubers, trying to remember what's in season right about now. Hopefully nothing from the Fridge, because everything out of that place tastes so goddamned awful.

Moxxi comes over herself instead of sending her hired help, taking the order form while he asks for whatever tonight's special is. "Sure thing, Sugar. I'll have one of the bots get this ready for you...by the way," she says with a suggestive wink, "how'd that whiskey go down?"

"It went, all right," Zed says ruefully. He'd have been better served if the stuff had stayed in the damned bottle, he thinks, but rubs at his temple as if to show that a hangover is the worst that had happened to him. Moxxi smiles and promises to send a mug of coffee over to his table. He uses the wait time to puzzle out what he's going to say to Patricia, feeling thankful that his headache has finally gone away, but is still no closer to a solution when one of the servers brings his coffee and a bowl of rakk stew.

Zed's on his way home with a boxful of food when he sees her. Patricia's walking straight towards him - and looking right _at_ him - so of course what he does is turn around and run for it like a complete moron. By the time he's calmed down enough to realize that he's acting ten kinds of a fool, it's too late because he has no idea where she was even headed. He tells himself that he'll make time to find her after moonrise, and everything will be just fine.


	2. If at first you don't succeed, run away again.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blankets and candles and dry-humping, oh my!

Everything is _not_ fine after moonrise, because she comes right up to him and he bails on her again despite his best efforts to stay where he is. He winds up pacing the floor and wondering just what the hell is wrong with him.

Zed tosses and turns in his bed, finally getting up to knock all of his bartered candles onto the floor angrily. He looks down at the mess he's made, tempted to just leave everything where it's fallen, but finally snatches the new red blanket and spreads it out so that he can sweep the candles into the middle of it. The other new blankets get tossed there too, and he wads everything up before shoving his feet into his boots and taking the whole thing across town. He can tell that Patricia's still up because she has a few lights on inside her house - Zed briefly considers dumping everything on her doorstep and leaving, but he knows that someone's bound to steal everything if it's left unattended. He gets up the courage to knock on the door, and is just turning away when it opens and Patricia's standing there. "What do you want?" she demands.

Zed shoves the bundle at her. "This's for you."

She stares at him, uncomprehending, and doesn't reach for it. "You have been avoiding me, and now you bring me a gift?"

He feels like running again, but takes a deep breath and holds his ground. "Patricia...look, I'm...I'm sorry. I'm an idiot."

"You certainly are no genius," Patricia agrees. "To which instance of idiocy are you referring?" She holds the door open with a bare foot and gestures for him to come inside, so Zed brings the bundle in with him and sets it on the couch. He glances around as Patricia bolts the door and comes over to sit down. "Your negative reaction to finding me in your bed was most distressing. I was given to believe that you had wanted me there."

Zed thinks about sitting down next to her, because there _is_ enough room, but ultimately decides to sink down onto the floor in front of her so that he can show how sorry he is. "There's a good reason why I don't like to drink 'til I'm drunk; I just forgot why 'cause I was havin' such a nice time with you. Thing is, I...I kinda tend to behave badly when I've had too much."

"Your behavior _was_ a great deal less inhibited." Patricia looks at him warily. "I thought you had changed your mind about our, ah, _relationship_."

This is the first time he's ever heard her openly acknowledge that they even _have_ one, and it makes Zed think carefully before he decides how to say this to her. "When we were up on Elpis, you remember what I said 'bout needin' to trust you 'fore I said anything...private?" She nods, and he reaches out to touch the bulky pile of blankets and candles. "This here is everything I got for the first time we...well, you know...and I had it all planned out. Wanted everything t'be just _right_ , so you'd know just how special I think you are. Thing is, I never once imagined our first time together'd be right there in the clinic - I can't think of _nothin'_ less romantic than gettin' on top of you right where I'd just lanced a boil in someone's armpit!"

Patricia catches his hands and runs her thumb over his fingers as if she's never seen them before. "You were ashamed because...it was not perfect and you did not wish to disappoint me."

"That's about the size of it, yeah. If I could ever make it up to you...well, I'd do just about anything," he says honestly. "If you're still angry at me I guess I understand that, too."

Instead of answering, she releases his hands and turns to tug on a corner of the blanket. The other blankets and the pile of candles spill out onto the floor, and Patricia gazes down at everything. "This was in your bedroom. The fire hazard was for _me_." Her eyes look suspiciously wet as she picks up one of the candles to examine it closely. "Where did you get these?"

Zed tells her about how he'd bartered for the candles, blankets, and pillows. "Come to think on it, I think the red blankets musta come from Helios 'fore Jack painted the whole darned place yellow. I could find you another color if you'd rather not have these."

Patricia picks up the nearest red blanket and strokes her hand over it. "Why did you choose red?"

"Well, I ain't never gonna forget what you told me on our first date in the Up Over...but it just seems like red suits you." It also seems like, with her coloring, that deep red would make her bare skin glow like cream - especially in the candlelight he's been picturing for so long. He hesitates, then goes ahead and tells her this because he's tired of all these misunderstandings. 

He looks at her and sternly reminds himself that he has no business being embarrassed because they've already had sex, so he has nothing left to lose by telling the truth. The color rises to Patricia's cheeks as she looks back at him, then down at the blanket. "I would venture to say that I...I believe that we..." she clears her throat. "I believe the colloquialism is a 'do-over.'"

"You mean, you still wanna...?"

She's blushing furiously at this point, staring down at that blanket while she nods. "I do. That is, if _you_ -"

"Yes," Zed blurts, hardly able to believe his luck. "Uh, _when_ do you?"

Patricia fidgets in her seat, her fingers plucking at the blanket. "How long would it take for you to put everything back where it was?"

He's sorely tempted to tell her that he only needs fifteen minutes, but suggests that they meet up at his place for dinner the next day. "That'd be about two sleep cycles away, give or take," Zed explains, knowing that she still has occasional trouble with Pandoran timekeeping. "And speakin' of sleep...maybe I'd better get to mine while I still got a chance."

Zed doesn't really want to leave, but he figures it's time to give her some space so that he doesn't overstay his welcome. Patricia, however, has other plans for him. "Perhaps you can 'get to it' here? With me. In my bed, because there is room and I would like you to stay," she says, casting a glance towards his offerings. "As you can see, there are plenty of blankets and at least one candle."

"You mean, you want me to...sleep...with you?"

"Lo and behold, yet another instance of idiocy. Amazing."

"You don't gotta be mean about it," Zed grumbles, but he certainly wouldn't mind sharing her bed. It's probably not a good idea at all, since his hormones have already gone on high alert at the prospect of being under the same blanket as Patricia. Still, he _is_ tired and they've agreed to the 'do-over' so nothing else should be happening besides some cuddling. He figures they both could use a little bit of that.

Patricia leads him to her bedroom, and she's got everything set up like it's a cozy little cave - there're pillows everywhere. Zed's imagination begins to take him to places it really shouldn't go, since tonight isn't about sex at all, but it's so _easy_ to imagine making love to her inside that warm cocoon of blankets. The visible, and undeniable, evidence of his sudden daydream is something she notices right away. "Zed," she begins.

"Sorry," he says sheepishly. "Ain't somethin' I can help."

She stands on her toes and tugs his head down to hers with a muttered request for him to remove his boots. Zed removes them awkwardly, trying not to break the kiss - but she does so with a breathless laugh, resting her palms against his chest. "Zed, may I see it?"

"See what?" he asks, trying to pretend he doesn't know because if he shows her, then she'll want to touch. And if she touches, he'll want her to _keep_ touching.

Patricia goes ahead and says it. "I would like to see your erect penis."

"Uh...why, exactly?"

"Because I am, at present, deep in the throes of sexual frustration. Your state of arousal is proving to be irresistible and at the very least, both of us might be able to find some form of relief in mutual masturbation." Patricia reaches out to touch her fingertips to the prominent bulge in his sleep pants and, when Zed's not quick enough to step backward, she clasps her fingers around his cock in an attempt to map out its size and shape. "Zed, _please_."

He groans, feeling a hefty dose of frustration settling upon him as well. "We said we'd wait, honey. You keep up that squeezin' and I swear I'll be on you faster than-"

Patricia shuts him up with another kiss, backing towards her bed and urging him along with her. She releases him suddenly, and they both catch their breath. "Show me."

"If I do, _you_ gonna show me somethin'?"

One of these days, Zed thinks, he's going to learn to watch his mouth. She yanks her shirt up around her neck to display the most beautiful pair of breasts he's ever seen, then looks at his crotch meaningfully. "It is your turn."

Zed is still staring at her chest. "Wow."

"Let me _see_ it," Patricia says impatiently. Zed peels his eyes off of her breasts, which really are magnificent, and clears his throat before hooking his thumbs inside the waistband of his pajamas and lowering them for her. There's the familiar sense of discomfort, of wondering if she'll be disgusted or disappointed, because he's just put himself _out there_ in every sense of the word. "Oh," Patricia says faintly, lifting a hand to rub at her collarbone. " _Oh_."

Her lips part slightly, and then her tongue darts out to moisten them while her eyes remain glued to his dick. "Well, uh..." Zed clears his throat again "...here it is."

"It certainly is here," Patricia agrees. Her expression finally resolves itself into blatant admiration and, just like he'd thought she would, she tries to grab him. Zed hates to do it, especially since she obviously likes what she sees and what man wouldn't love to get a reaction to their junk like that, but he has to pull his pants back up.

"Now, we _agreed_..." 

"I changed my mind," she complains, tugging her shirt down and towing him over to the bed. "I _do_ have an idea, however. Lie down."

"Patricia-"

The devil woman hooks her leg around his and gets him in the back of the knee so that he falls right on top of her. The only way Zed can prevent himself from doing her harm is to distribute his weight on his arms, and he finds himself directly between her legs. "I believe the antiquated term is _frottage_ , Doctor Blanco." She sinks her hands into his hair and kisses him deeply, lifting her hips to press against him.

It would take hardly any effort at all to pull their pants down just enough for what they both want, but that's why they're in this mess to begin with. "You're killin' me, honey, I swear you are," he groans, bucking against her. "I want you so damned _bad_."

Patricia suddenly breaks away from him, wild-eyed as she tries to push him off. "Wait...Zed, wait."

He forces himself to sit up. "You want me to go home?" Zed asks, hoping like hell she doesn't - he'll do it, but she can't make him _like_ it.

She's breathing just as hard as he is, with those green eyes practically glazed over with lust. "What? No - I just...we... _wait_ ," Patricia splutters, moving out from under him and standing up so that she can yank at the drawstring of her own pajama bottoms. The string breaks and the pants drop around her ankles, leaving her clad in black panties and her top. The shirt is thin enough to show her nipples pressing the fabric outward and when Patricia slips back beneath him, Zed can't resist palming her breasts through her shirt.

Patricia sighs and pulls him back down, her kisses increasingly frantic while he settles between her spread thighs. She's so _warm_. Zed presses forward just enough, and they both sigh at the feeling of being so perfectly lined up. Her hands slide beneath the hem of his shirt, so he braces himself on one hand and uses the other to take the shirt off. Patricia murmurs something about hair a split second before her hands are all over him, stroking his bare skin as he ruts against her. It feels so good, he can't believe it's actually _real_ \- and they're both sober, so Zed knows without a shadow of a doubt that she wants it. He hasn't gone for dry-humping, and knowing that's the only thing on the menu, anyone in years but it seems just as exciting to him now as it had when he'd been back in Fyrestone behind the mayor's hut with Marcus Kincaid's cousin.

Every single rub against her brings him closer to climax and despite how badly he wants to bury himself deep inside her, Zed knows that when it _does_ happen it'll make the long wait eminently worthwhile. One more day seems like a lifetime. Patricia's nails sink into his ass suddenly, startling him until a hissed command gets him moving with a purpose. She prods him with her heels as Zed finds her sweet spot and begins rubbing his cock over it in long strokes that make her gasps turn to open-mouthed moans of his name. Had she moaned for him like this on Mercenary Day? He has no idea if he should hope she did, or not.

Patricia humps up against him frantically, her hands alternately grabbing at him and pushing him away like she's not sure how to handle her looming orgasm - because Zed can just tell she's close by the way she's crying out for him and how her limbs are beginning to spasm; and he's been with enough partners to know that a few good rubs are all she needs. He gives them to her and watches her mouth open in a silent scream, her eyes growing wide with the pupils blown. Zed can feel her body convulse beneath him while she begins to moan helplessly, grinding against his cock. " _Oh_ , yes - yes, yes... _Zed_ ," Patricia sighs out, reaching for him.

Zed feels nearly as desperate to come as she probably had, but his own climax is reached in half the time because Patricia plunges her hand down the front of his pants between them. The feeling of bare skin against his cock, never mind that it's just a hand because for once it's not _his_ hand, has his balls drawing up high and tight. Zed humps her fingers as if his life depends on it, and comes in her palm and all the way up the inside of her forearm. "God _damn_ ," he says dazedly, rubbing against her skin because it still feels so _good_. "Don't know how the hell I'ma survive when we _really_ get to it."

She continues to fondle him for a little while longer until Zed becomes aware that the mess will soak into his pants if they don't get cleaned up right away. He gently disengages her hand and reaches for his discarded shirt, cleaning off her fingers and pretending he doesn't see Patricia bring her hand up to her face to sniff at the fluid he'd left on her skin. Zed will _definitely_ pretend not to see her tongue dart out to taste it. "Interesting," she announces while he shoves the shirt down into his pants to clean up. "An acquired taste."

Zed can't help it; he starts to laugh. "You make it sound like you're one of them fancy chefs on the high-end ECHOnet frequencies, like you're pairin' jizz with some kinda _steak_."

Patricia just looks at him as if he's lost his mind. "I doubt human ejaculate would be appetizing when drizzled upon a piece of meat."

"Well, you'd have to add some sorta greenery," Zed wheezes. He’s going to die laughing the next time he sees anyone eating skag steak at Moxxi’s.

They both get up to clean themselves up properly and Patricia sticks around to get another eyeful of his dick, but he doesn't mind at all anymore. "I like your sex organ very much, Zed. It's very big."

"Thanks."

"Would you like to view my breasts again?" she asks him, polite as can be.

Zed steers her back to the bed before answering. "I wouldn't mind another look." This time, Patricia strips her shirt off entirely. Zed sighs happily as he looks his fill, wanting to touch and kiss her but afraid of what'll happen if he does. There'll be time enough to do all he wants...and all _she_ wants. "Ain't never seen a more beautiful pair in all my life." He's struck by the freckles that decorate her pale skin even there, and he wants to kiss each one. Zed wants to nuzzle his face between those perfect breasts, lick between them before drawing a nipple into his mouth, suckling while she writhes in pleasure. He wants to press her breasts together and rub his cock there, spilling into the hollow of her throat.

"Oh, again?" she asks delightedly, and Zed sighs when he realizes what his imagination has led to.

"We'd better save somethin' for tomorrow," he points out.

Patricia pouts at him, swaying closer to pluck at the waistband of his pajama bottoms. "I do not want to wait...but I suppose you are right. You _do_ like my breasts, do you not?" Zed assures her that he does, indeed, and as a reward she declines to put her shirt back on. "It is only fair that we are both topless," she reasons.

He guesses that it makes sense, and they get back into her bed. It's a little less comfortable than his, but the good company makes up for it - Patricia cuddles up to him, and Zed wraps his arms around her. They kiss for a bit before she slides her hand back into his pants, so he lets her explore for a little while before deciding to return the favor. The instant he works his fingers beneath the waistband of _her_ pants, however, she freezes up. "Oh, I'm...I'm sorry," Zed apologizes, immediately withdrawing his hand while he wonders what he's done wrong. "I thought-"

She turns red, and flops over on her side so that she's facing away from him. "Perhaps we should go to sleep."

"Okay," he says cautiously. "Are you- did I hurt you?"

"I am fine," Patricia mumbles. He stretches a hand out, intending to place it on her shoulder, but then decides that it might be a bad idea so his hand winds up frozen in midair while he tries to figure out what to do,

"D'you think you could maybe tell me what's wrong so I don't do it again?" Zed asks, suddenly unsure if he should touch her - maybe she doesn't want him to. Is she angry with him? He'd thought it'd be okay, since she was touching _him_. He probably should've asked first. Why didn't he _ask?_

She's quiet for such a long time, Zed's sure that she's gone to sleep. Patricia rolls back over to face him, an odd look on her face. "It has been quite some time since I have had anyone...touch...me intimately. I am unused to contact of that nature."

"You seemed okay with, um, the contact we was havin' earlier," Zed ventures, feeling puzzled.

"That was very nice," she says, "even if I wish it had included penetration."

Zed pushes himself up onto an elbow, more confused than ever. "But when I was gonna reach down there..." he frowns, a conclusion forming that he doesn't care for one bit. "Hang on. You're sayin' you're more used to gettin' banged than someone just wantin' to make you feel good?"

"Crudely put as it is, I suppose that is the best way to describe the situation," Patricia agrees.

"That's all kinds of messed up," Zed mutters. "I mean, it ain't _you_ who's messed up - well, you kinda are but nevermind - but, I mean. Uh. That's...that ain't real fair to you, is it."

Patricia gazes up at him. "It isn't something I have thought about."

"Well, maybe you need someone who's gonna take care of you," he says, placing a hand on her bare stomach and sliding it up between her breasts. "Maybe I'm gonna be that someone."

She looks at him with such trust, it's enough to break his heart. "Okay," Patricia tells him like it's no big deal. She curls back up against him and doesn't try anything - her hand _does_ go back down his pants, but stays tucked up against his hipbone like that's the most comfortable place she could ever put it. Zed reaches around her and pulls the covers up, resting his chin on the top of her head while he processes this new information.

He'd thought the challenge would be in the setting itself, and making sure she's physically comfortable...he's nowhere near prepared for this. Zed thinks about it, acutely aware of the way Patricia is so relaxed with him that she's already asleep, and finally reasons out that the experience he'd gained in Fyrestone's heyday is actually the key to this. Patricia Tannis may not be a virgin in the physical meaning of the term, but she certainly seems to be _emotionally_. All this time, Zed has failed to see that the issues that make other people less inclined to connect with her socially would have definitely extended into her sexual relationships as well - not that he's familiar with her history because it's none of his business until she decides that it is, and she might have had at least _one_ lover who understood the particulars of her personality but if so, it's too far in the past. 

Zed feels angry with himself all over again for getting so drunk, because of course she doesn't expect considerate tenderness from him when he'd basically unzipped his pants and climbed on top of her...and she, because nobody had ever treated her better than that, was still under the impression that it had been _good_. 

Well, he's going to show her what good really _is_. He's going to make her so damned satisfied, she won't want to leave his bed even if a Vault opens up right inside the Crimson Raiders' headquarters. She'll be singing his praises for the rest of her _life_ when he gets through with her, and then he'll bring her back for round two.

Who would've thought his days of whoring around Fyrestone would actually come in handy?

He falls asleep while running scenarios through his head, and wakes up to find that Patricia is either attempting to braid his chest hair or simply trying to pull it out by the roots. "Quit it," Zed yawns, swatting at her and trying to roll over onto his stomach. This prompts her to hop onto his back to try and turn him back over, and it's so ridiculous that the whole thing ends with them laughing like kids. Patricia finally manages to get him onto his back again and flops down on top of him with a wide, happy smile. "You sure are cute," he says, giving her backside an affectionate pat.

"I know," she tells him, making Zed laugh again. "You have told me on numerous occasions."

"That's 'cause you keep forgettin' it," he points out.

"Zed," Patricia says, suddenly concentrating so hard on rubbing her fingertips over his collarbone that he knows whatever she's about to say is something important to her. "Last night, you said that you were going to...take care...of me."

Zed rests his hand on the small of her back. "I remember."

Her eyes find his. "How can you be so confident? Is it simply a male trait, or...?" This is truly something to witness; Patricia Tannis is fumbling for words.

"Well," he says slowly, "I got some experience at this kinda thing...and I know a lotta men might try to say that's all practice for the day they met you, but I'm startin' to think that it really _was_."

Patricia nibbles on her lower lip as she processes this. "So all the women you have been with were satisfied with your sexual performance?"

"I hope so. Some of the men seemed happy enough, too."

"That would stand to reason," she agrees. "When was the last time you engaged in intimacy? Has it been a while?"

While the question sounds abrupt, Zed doesn't truly mind because he knows she's just curious. "Not _too_ terribly long ago but yeah, I guess it's been a while. Year or two...whenever the new Vault Hunters came," he says before realizing that he probably shouldn't have qualified his answer.

Patricia takes the bait he's inadvertently dangled. "Have you had sexual contact with one of the Vault Hunters?" she demands.

"Now, that ain't somethin' I-"

"It was _Maya_ ," Patricia says triumphantly. "I am jealous of both of you!"

"I never said it was Maya, or even a Vault Hunter. I just said, it was around that _time_." Zed manages to steer the conversation onto safer ground, and winds up discovering that she's been without any sort of physical relief involving another person since she's _gotten_ here. "You mean, not with _anybody_?" he asks. He'd question her about that 'standing offer' she made to the Vault Hunters, but he knows that if he opens his mouth about it she'll go right back to asking him about Maya. 

Zed has no idea how she'd guessed it, but it's not a tale that's his to tell...it's not a secret, yet it's nobody's business either. What had happened between the Siren and himself was in the past, and unlikely to ever be repeated. They make much better friends than lovers, anyway, and it was more along the lines of a favor than an actual affair. She'd wanted a little something, and felt comfortable enough with him to ask if he wouldn't mind providing it. He knows that she probably would've asked Axton, but the poor kid catches feelings the same way most people catch a cold.

"Not that there weren't offers," Patricia says, shivering suddenly. Zed tucks the blanket around her bare shoulders and combs his fingers through that mess of short hair. "Some of the offers had to be rejected with a shotgun. If I wanted satisfaction, I would simply use my own hands to achieve it."

"I guess that's one way of survivin'." Zed rubs his hands up and down her back, enjoying having her pressed so close. He's managed to escape the torture of a 'morning' erection in her presence, and he wonders what it'll be like after she spends the night at his place. "You want me to make you some food 'fore I get outta here?"

She nods, but he cuddles her a while before actually going to do it and Patricia basks in his affection like someone turning their face up towards the sun after being trapped in the dark. The sense of responsibility this gives him isn't as heavy as it might have been, because he's willingly shouldered the weight of it. Zed is more determined than ever to do right by her.


	3. The Bullymong of Fyrestone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The 'do-over' gets underway to rave reviews from both participants, and three of the loudest people on Pandora attempt to disrupt the proceedings. Get it, Patricia!

He makes her breakfast and something for lunch, too, if she doesn't forget to eat it. Zed's shirt is dry so he pulls it on, intending to shower and change before he opens the clinic - they kiss goodbye despite her grumblings about bad breath, and he takes back the bundle of items he'd originally intended to abandon on her doorstep.

The sign gets powered on and Maya shows up with an armful of tentacles that he pretends to know absolutely nothing about, passing her a few thousand. "So how did your _friend_ solve their problem?" she asks, watching Zed shove his ill-gotten loot into one of the cooling units.

"Honesty seemed to work out just fine." He hesitates, then coughs into his fist and tells her that he might have let the skag out of the bag concerning their past interactions. "I didn't give your name or nothin' but Tricia guessed it and I figured I'd letcha know in case she comes 'round askin' about it."

The Siren shakes her head with a smile. "Should I be giving her some tips on how to deal with you?"

Zed flushes all the way to the roots of his hair. "Lord, Maya, _no!_ I was just-"

She laughs and checks her ECHO device. "You are way too easy to tease, Doc. It's sweet how you're trying to protect me, but I really don't care who knows about it...it was nice. You helped me out."

"That's one way to put it," Zed smiles. "You, uh, _do_ got someone who'll treat you good when the mood strikes?"

Maya's eyes flick towards the door, and he'd lay good odds that Krieg is waiting for her on the other side of it. "Yeah. Yeah, I do."

"Glad t'hear it. Thanks for the...stuff we ain't gonna talk about," he says, tapping his heel against the cooler that holds the thresher parts. When she leaves, Zed puts a lock on it to hold the door tightly closed; the seals aren't as strong as they really should be, and it'll be a while before he has time to mess around with making a few Skeshers. No, that doesn't sound quite right... Threshags, maybe? He'll have to think about it. 

Zed manages to make it through the rest of the day knowing that this will be last time he'll be the only occupant of his bed - he should probably just close up for the rest of the day cycle tomorrow, because there's no possible way he'll be able to focus on anything except what he'll be doing with Patricia later on. He finally decides that he'll do some vendor maintenance so nobody'll die due to his inattention, and getting out of Sanctuary might help to clear his head - help him focus. If Helena Pierce were still alive, he has no doubt that she'd tear him a new one for closing up so often because he can't keep a handle on his personal life...but then, he's never really _had_ one before. He spends a long time arranging everything just so, then gets everything prepped for the dinner he's going to cook for Patricia before they go to bed. Zed hopes he won't make _too_ much of a mess of things - he's not naive enough to expect perfection, especially not now. He shouldn’t have ever expected it in the first place.

He's too nervous to sleep longer than a few hours at a time, so finally gets up and checks the med vendors around Sanctuary before loading a bag with shields and InstaHealth needles. Zed still has a case or two of Body Spackle, but they're too heavy to lug all over the place so he generally uses it for home-brewed emergencies. The secondary sign is lit up and he stops a Crimson Raider to relay his whereabouts back to their headquarters.

Zed makes the rounds quickly, only encountering bandits once or twice - he's taken to using the Technicals that Ellie had added to the Catch-a-Ride system, because the front grille comes in handy when running over strange men who howl about their mother and try to eat your face. Whenever he's out servicing his vendors, Zed always likes to go out to the Badlands - he knows it's not the best idea, because of all the slagpits and not-quite-deactivated Loaders, but it's always been home and he misses it.

He parks the Technical just outside Fyrestone, by the old motel that had always been filled to capacity when he'd been growing up. It had seemed like his city had been the crossroads for the whole of Pandora; settlers came through with their families, eager for a place of their own and willing to do the hard work of mining so that they could earn that place. Zed tilts his head back and looks up at the decommissioned Hyperion Information Stockade, the monster of a building that he'd been forced from his home to make room for. He continues into Fyrestone past all the trash and decomposing bodies - because there are always a few new ones, no matter that he'd tried to clean the place up the last time he was here - until he comes to Building 03, with its still-functioning medical vendor. Zed should just unplug it because nobody's purchased a single thing from it in years, but instead he opens the front and swaps out the older needles just like he always does before checking the charges on the shields.

Zed wipes the counters slowly, looking across the street at the 'Sorry, We're Closed!' sign tacked onto Marcus Kincaid's old shop. Before Marcus gained his majority, the building had been used as a supply depot for the incoming would-be prospectors. He remembers well how they'd gather around to purchase their tools while the old man who'd ran the depot would try to sell them far more than they really needed. The families would mill around in the street listening to the man's latest pitch, and the locals - Zed and his brothers included - would hover at the fringe of the crowd trying to catch the eye of an eligible son or daughter. Some nights, there'd even be dancing under the multicolored lights strung up on poles. Those were the times that Zed always liked best; it was always like a game, seeing how many kisses they could steal before an overprotective parent would warn them off with the pointed caress of a gun handle. Of course, by then the damage would have been done and their precious babies would slip right out of bed that very same night to meet up with whichever Blanco had caught their eye.

He knows he should let go of the past; only a fool would expect anyone else to move into Fyrestone and breathe new life into a town that's been dead for years. There's no way he can rebuild all by himself and most days he's not even sure if he'd ever want to, but it's the only home he's ever known. Fyrestone is _his_ city, ruined as it is, and he just can't make himself turn his back on it... so Zed makes the trip once a month and promises himself that he'll move back someday.

Visiting Fyrestone puts a damper on his mood as he drives back, which is probably why he decided to come in the first place - Zed's not sure why he didn't just skip it this time, but he's glad to have gone just the same. At least now, he has something else to think about rather than just going into ‘all ahead freakout’ at the prospect of finally getting laid by Patricia Tannis. The Technical gets recalled into the system after he parks it on the pads and checks to make sure he hasn't left anything behind - thankfully, Scooter's stopped putting pimentacos in the glove boxes of these things - before entering his access code into the Fast Travel so that Sanctuary shows up on the location map.

He decides to get dinner started early, and is checking to make sure everything is where it should be when Patricia charges through the door and leaps at him. Zed staggers backwards as he catches her, laughing. "Whoa now, what's goin' on?"

Patricia kisses him. "I have been thinking of this since the moment I woke up...and I came to see you, but your clinic was _closed_ so I stopped by later and you _still_ were not there. I must protest, Doctor Blanco."

"Sorry," he mumbles against her lips. "Figured it was best to remove myself from the path of temptation...you hungry?"

She draws back just enough to eye him suggestively, letting him know the only thing she's hungry for right now isn't anything on the stove. Zed makes a token protest about the food as she starts unbuckling her choker, and Patricia stops his words with another kiss. "I apologize for the vulgarity in advance, Zed, but _fuck_ the food. And fuck me, too. Wait, that doesn't sound right at all! Please do not have intercourse with the _food_ because it is hot-"

"Stop talkin,'" he advises softly, turning the burners off before closing his hand around hers and leading her to the bedroom. Zed lights the candles while she makes herself comfortable by removing her boots and coat. When he turns back around, Patricia is shifting from foot to foot with a nervous look on her face. "Everything okay, honey?"

She nods silently and walks over to him when he holds his hands out to her. He guides her over to the bed and kisses her slowly, because they have all the time in the world for this. Patricia relaxes against him, because they've done this many times before and it's something familiar, and she doesn't protest at all when he stops to pull his shirt off over his head. There are no quips about his chest hair this time, which is amazing in itself, just her hands rubbing over his back like she just can't get enough of touching him. _He_ certainly can't get enough of it. Zed moves his mouth to her neck and nips at her neck, making her squeal and grab at him before he runs his tongue over the love bite and does it all over again just a few inches lower. They sink down onto the bed together.

Her shirt is eased off, and she sighs out his name when he licks the pale strip of skin just between her breasts just the way he'd wanted to. Patricia gets even louder as he rubs his cheek across her skin, the rougher skin scratching her slightly - he'd shaved as soon as he returned from his trip, but his hair has always grown quickly. Zed flicks his tongue across her right nipple teasingly before drawing the tightly furled nub into his mouth, sucking hard enough to draw loud moans from her throat. He provides the same attention to her other nipple, shifting so that he can reach down and cup her pubis. Patricia jerks in surprise and Zed rolls his eyes up to gauge how upset she seems about it; he can tell she kind of wants to ask him to stop, so sets about distracting her by grazing her nipple with his teeth. He's not doing anything with his hand, just keeping it there so that she'll grow used to it; to that end, he rolls onto his side and pulls his pants off.

The sight of his dick pressed hard up against his stomach draws Patricia's attention just as surely as if he's waved a Vault key in her face. Zed rolls back over her and flutters his fingers against her just as she closes hers around _him_ , using her other hand to push his face back between her breasts. He grins and resumes nuzzling her, continuing to move his hand until Patricia forgets that she's not that sure she wants him to be doing that. Zed concentrates on what he's doing so he doesn't embarrass himself by coming in her hand, never mind that he made sure to jack off before she arrived so that he wouldn't be too quick on the trigger.

Patricia's running her hands all over him with all the zeal of an explorer staking a claim to undiscovered country, and Zed couldn't be more thrilled about it. She's sufficiently distracted by his nudity to not even notice when he eases her pants open, but her eyes open wide in alarm as he slides his hand inside. "Zed, I don't think-" she breaks off with a loud gasp when he strokes a finger through her folds. " _Oooooh_...!"

"I ain't gonna do nothin' you don't want, honey," he murmurs. "You want me to stop?" Zed finds her clit and nudges his fingertip against it, just enough to make her mewl his name and clutch at his shoulders.

"Don't...don't you dare stop, Zed Blanco," she pants warningly. Her voice climbs two octaves when he slides a finger inside her to gather her moisture before spreading it so that she's lubricated enough for him to give her some of that relief she's been missing. When he gently suggests that they remove her pants, Patricia nearly tears them off and guides his hand back to where she wants it; Zed takes a moment to look her over because this is the first time he’s ever seen her fully nude. Her skin really does glow in the candlelight, and she looks so _beautiful_.

She's forgotten all about his dick, which is fine with him because Zed gets to press it right up against the warmth of her thigh. Patricia's legs are opening up for him as he strokes her, and his stomach clenches just remembering how she'd tasted his come the last time they'd been together. He eases two of his fingers inside her cunt, fucking her with them before sliding them out of her body and into his mouth. Her eyes grow huge as she watches him suck his fingers clean, and his cock thumps against her in reaction to how wonderful she tastes. "God _damn_ you taste good, sweetheart. I wanna spread those knees apart and eat you 'til you're howlin' for your god to come get you," Zed rasps, reaching down to stir her with his fingers. "You ever have anyone do that for you, honey?"

Patricia whimpers and clamps her thighs around his wrist, wriggling frantically. " _Zed_!"

He knows she'd probably welcome it, but that he should wait until he's had her properly first - that way, she'll know for sure that giving him free rein will result in nothing but pleasure for her. "I'ma fuck you real good first, but I _will_ get me a taste of that sweet pussy of yours," Zed promises her, watching her eyes practically glaze over at the dirty talk. He spits on his fingers and circles them faster over her clit, alternating kisses on her lips and neck before sucking one of her nipples back into his mouth. Her whimpers climb in volume, as does the sweet repetition of his name, until Patricia begins to shudder. She muffles her cries against his shoulder while her body clenches hard around the fingers he's slid back up inside her. 

Zed moves his hand slowly to help draw out her climax while she writhes beside him with her head thrown back, calling out his name as if he's the only one to ever make her feel this good. He kisses his way back up to her mouth, swallowing her moans as she turns to him dazedly. "That was more than adequate," Patricia sighs, moaning again when she sees him slip his fingers out of her cunt and back up into his mouth. "Please insert your penis into my vagina with no more delay."

"I'll say this for you - you sure don't waste time wonderin' what you want," Zed smiles, stroking her scarred belly. "Um...I know we haven't discussed this or nothin' but, uh, you want me to get a condom on?"

Patricia bites her lip, a cute habit she has whenever she's trying to make her mind up about something, and caresses his dick. Her eyes widen slightly in surprise when it twitches against her fingers, and cautiously taps her index finger against it. "Does it always move on its own?" she demands.

"Sometimes."

"How _much_ does it move?" she prods him with her finger again, gasping in delight when his cock moves again. Zed pushes her hand away gently and reminds her of his question, wondering if she really wants to do it now or if she's too distracted by the way his erection reacts to stimulation. "Oh. Well, I would hope that you would tell me if you were a disease carrier."

Zed stretches to relieve the rapidly developing cramp in one of his legs, and Patricia reaches over to trace the muscles of his abdomen. "I'm cleaner'n clean," he assures her. "'Course, I know you take that anti-fertility jab every third month so I ain't gonna knock you up." 

Patricia's hand travels further south to cup his balls and he tenses, but she's so gentle he's tempted to ask her to be a little bit rougher. If all goes well, Zed will have all the time in the world to show her exactly what he likes best. "You are so _soft_ here," she says with a smile before finally giving him an answer. "I don't believe a condom will be necessary. Make love to me, Zed."

"You got it," he says hoarsely, kissing her deeply before settling on top of her. Patricia sighs happily and spreads her legs for him - they both moan at the sensation when they rub against each other, and Zed reaches down to gauge how ready she is. He spits in his palm and slicks up his cock, then drops his hips and tries to push inside her. His progress is halted by her sudden intake of breath as well as the realization that she's still just not wet enough. "Hang on a second, honey," he says, pulling out and licking his fingers before reaching down to rub her clit. "You like that, sweetheart?"

She moans. "Like...that..."

Zed grasps his cock at its base and rubs the crown of it over her folds, doing some moaning of his own because he's right _there_ and struggling for some self-control. "This good? How 'bout this, now?"

" _Zed_...!" Patricia sinks her nails into his ass as he spreads her open and slaps that beautiful pink with the heavy length of his cock. "Do that again," she orders breathily, so he does as requested while she parts her labia for him. She gets so slicked up, it's hard to believe that he's the reason for it but there she is, crying his name like he's her god and she's in church.

He shifts and attempts to get inside her again, and this time his shaft slides in with the only hint of resistance being because she's so small. Her pussy is hot, wet, and so _tight_ around him that Zed nearly forgets his vow to give Patricia Tannis the lay of a lifetime because all he wants to do is pump into her until he comes. "Oh, _Trish_. Honey, you feel so damn _good_ ," he says blissfully.

Patricia claws at his back and drums her heels on his ass to try to get him moving. " _Faster_ ," she growls.

Zed slants his mouth over hers and pulls out almost entirely, then sheathes himself in a slow, fluid motion. His balls ache with the effort of reining himself in, but he knows it's going to be so worth it when he can finally let go. With patience and fortitude that has only been exceeded when he'd refused to give into the impulse to bury his buzz axe in Jeffrey Blake's skull, Zed rides her to two successive orgasms. He's going for the charmed third when his body finally lets him know that it's had enough of his nonsense - he'd wanted to last a lot longer, but he supposes that there will be other times when he can break his personal best of five. Patricia is definitely inspiring enough to make him want to try for it.

She's yowling in his ear like some sort of wild thing, not making much sense at all except for the barely articulated wails for _faster_ and _harder_ and _more_. 

Zed's happy to provide all of that.

His hips surge forward and the small bedroom is filled with the sounds of flesh striking flesh, her shrieks, and his groans. Unbelievably, Zed can't seem to reach the climax his body is screaming for - now that he's given up, it's _just_ out of reach. Patricia rakes his shoulders with her nails and actually reaches down to wallop him on the ass, the sudden shock of pain startling him into lifting up slightly. She uses his shift of position to stretch her arm around, close her fingers around his scrotum, and _pull_. " _Fuck_ , I'm gonna...!" 

Zed can hear her voice rise into the loudest scream he's gotten from her yet as he rams into her. He's heard of the tidal waves that had occasionally hit Oasis long before the drought; how the water would pull back from the shore just moments before the full force of it would slam into buildings, trees, and people with destructive force - he feels like he's experiencing something like that now. It's like he's been forced out of his own body into breathless anticipation and silence that's only filled by the sound of his pulse echoing in his ears...then the pleasure comes in a wave that slams him back within his own skin with a force that's nearly painful in its intensity. He's known it would be good, but hadn't prepared for something quite like _this_. A million pinpricks of light explode against his closed eyelids as he comes inside her in surges that would be surprising to him if he weren't still so wrapped in the moment; all Zed knows is that it's perfect, and he never wants it to end. 

Patricia combs her fingers through his short hair, paying particular attention to the patches of white at the sides like she always does, and even this gentle touch makes Zed fist his hands in the sheets as his cock pulses one final time. His limbs start feeling like they're made of rubber and he's painfully aware of how loudly he's gasping for breath; Zed doesn't want to collapse on top of her, but he also doesn't want to pull out just yet. He's certainly still hard enough to stay right where he is so they roll onto their side, still intimately connected. She wriggles closer and drapes her top leg over his, pressing their foreheads together. "Zed," Patricia says shakily, "I am not in the habit of labeling many experiences as 'unbelievable' but I am sure that just qualified as such."

"I'm right there with ya," Zed mutters, then opens his eyes at the feel of something wet against his arm...a _tear_ has tracked its way down her face and landed on him. "Whoa now, honey - did I hurt you? You okay?"

She sniffles and gives him a small, embarrassed smile. "I am fine, just... _happy_."

Zed cranes his neck to kiss her tenderly, smiling back at his beautiful scientist. "Me, too."

"You are very skilled at bedplay, which I appreciate greatly," Patricia whispers.

"Well, thanks. You ain't so bad yourself."

They smile at each other, lacing their fingers together until Patricia's eyes widen abruptly. "Ooooh!"

"What? What's goin'-" his question is answered when she shoves a hand between them, where his southern shave is apparently very ticklish. "Oh. Sorry," Zed laughs. "Want me t'go?"

Patricia shakes her head at him and wriggles backwards just enough so that they're not pressed that tightly together. "Of course not." They exchange a few kisses while his pulse gets back under control and his hard-on slowly softens enough to slip out of her. When he asks if she'd like him to bring her a few tissues to deal with the mess, she shakes her head again. "I actually quite enjoy the feeling of your ejaculate sliding back down my legs."

Zed stares at her, unsure if she's joking or not. " _What_." She turns about five different kinds of red, struggling to explain that it's a kind of pleasure for her - because this time, she doesn't have to hurry to clean up and leave. "Oh, honey."

"You...you said you would be the one to 'take care' of me," Patricia says, still sounding shy. "I have never had any sexual partners who put my pleasure before their own like that."

"You been sleepin' with a pack of idiots, then," Zed points out. "You're welcome to stay right here long as ya want...though it might get uncomfortable hangin' out in the wet spot. Let's getcha a towel to lie on, okay?" She blushes and smiles, looking so damned cute that he just has to give her another kiss before getting up to retrieve a towel. When he walks back, Patricia's stretched out in his bed and he can see what she means about her legs. Her knees are parted just so and the sight of her naked like that, with his finish still dripping from that sweet little pussy, makes his cock jerk to attention. "God _damn_."

Patricia gazes up at him dreamily as he puts one knee on the bed, nudging her legs open further so he can get a better look. "Are you going to pleasure me again?"

"You'd better fuckin' believe it, pretty girl."

She sighs happily. "Oh, _good_."

Zed gives her advance notice of just how he intends to do that, and she's a little hesitant because - once again - her past lovers have all been too selfish to introduce her to the pleasures of oral sex. When he promises her that it will be even better than when he'd used his fingers, her legs practically pop right back open for him. Zed gets her cleaned her up a little bit first and slides a towel beneath her hips, then goes to work.

He eats her out until she begs him to stop because she just can't take any more, then they make love again. Zed's able to last for a lot longer this time and it's slow and oh, so sweet. Their bodies fit together so perfectly, it's like they've been practicing for years. They have a short nap, after which she wants to try her own hand at giving oral sex – she’s a little clumsy with too much teeth, which doesn't do his blood pressure much good, but her heart is in the right place and Zed appreciates it just the same. Any awkwardness (and accidental genital amputation) is averted by spilling her onto her back and administering a thorough fucking that has her swearing up and down that she'll never be able to walk again.

Patricia dozes in his arms while Zed watches her sleep, feeling the familiar sensation of tenderness, and another emotion he doesn't yet recognize as love, fill his heart as he gazes down into her face. He's well aware of how lucky he is to have such a gorgeous young woman curled up against him, exhausted from the pleasure he's given her. She's unlike any other partner he's ever had, and she's wedged herself so far beneath his skin that Zed's not sure he'll ever get her out. Why would he even want to? Patricia Tannis, he decides firmly, can stay right where she is. She wakes up while Zed's tracing a finger over her cheekbones, and smiles up at him as she asks for more. This time, she wants to be on top.

She's riding him slowly, both of them enjoying having more access to each other's bodies, when the 'emergencies only' ECHO device gives a shrill burst of static that startles both of them. " _Piss_ ," Zed curses, raising himself onto his elbows to stare at the offending device. “ _Now?_ ”

"Just let them expire from lack of medical attention," Patricia says, resuming a rocking motion that makes him flop back down onto the bed beneath her with a despairing groan.

"They'd prob'ly deserve it," he agrees, but reaches down to grasp her waist and lift her off to the side. " _Damn_ it. Be back soon's I can, sweetheart." The ECHO device goes off again as he's hunting for his discarded clothing, and Patricia sits up to watch him hop on one foot trying to put his pants on. He can't find his socks anywhere, let alone his boots, so he's forced to yank a random shirt from a cabinet and charge down the stairs half-nude after stopping to give her a quick 'I think you're wonderful so please, please, _please_ don't go anywhere' kiss. Zed pulls the shirt on as he unlatches the front door of the clinic, and his unwanted visitors turn out to be Mister Torgue, Brick, and…Tina.

Zed stifles his groan of despair at having the Triumvirate of Top Volume waltz into his clinic without a single visible wound. "What's...what's so all-fired important you had to disturb my shower?" he asks, hoping beyond hope that this will make them leave so he can get back to his evening with Patricia Tannis. 

"MY GIRL TINA'S GOT A MOTHERF*CKING SPLINTER IN HER G*DD*MNED FOOT," Torgue announces in what, for him, is probably a whisper. "YOU GOTTA OPERATE RIGHT THE F*CKITY-F*CKING NOW! SHE'S TOO YOUNG TO HOP ON JUST ONE F*CKING LEG!!!"

He rubs at his temples in disbelief. "You three used the freakin' emergency button for a _splinter_? That seriously what you're tellin' me right now?"

"This is serious _business_ , Slab," Brick bellows at him. "I've seen one of my boys up in Thousand Cuts lose all his limbs and even his _head_ from one itty bitty splinter!"

Tina bats her eyelashes at him when Zed looks down at her. "True dat, my Doctah! Help a bitch out, puh-leeze! I don't wanna lose my face - you feelin’ me, girl?" 

"YOU SHOULD NOT REFER TO YOURSELF AS A B*TCH BECAUSE YOU ARE A MOTHERF*CKING QUEEN AND I WANT YOU TO NEVER FORGET THAT! WEEEEEE-OOOOOOWWWWWWWW!"

This cannot be a real thing that's happening right now, Zed thinks feverishly as Mister Torgue's earsplitting guitar solo continues. Still, he considers himself lucky they hadn’t interrupted any earlier. "Everybody just pipe the hell down." He rubs his hands over his face, and points towards the exam table. "Tina, sit down and I'll take a look."

Brick comes closer, eyeing him up and down. “Takin’ a shower huh, Slab?”

“That’s what I said,” Zed replies, tilting his head to look up at the towering man – what do they _feed_ them on Menoetius? Tina is taking her sweet time unbuckling one of her mismatched shoes. “I know you Crimson Raiders don’t like bein’ terribly clean, but in my line a’work I _do_ need a bath now and then.”

“You can get back to that _shower_ soon as we’re done here; don’t worry, Doc,” Brick says, sniffing loudly and grinning fit to kill. 

Zed staggers at the force of the meaty paw clapping him on the shoulder and wishes he’d taken the time to find his boots, because the floor is freezing. Tina doesn’t even have her shoe off yet, so he uses the waiting time to grab an apron and a mask from one of the drawers in the corner. He drops a folded blanket onto the tiles and steps on it, focusing on the other two members of the invading force. “How’s your grandma doin’ these days?” he asks Torgue, who nudges Tina and laughs.

“SHE’S DOING JUST PEACHY,” the other man says happily. “A GANG OF BANDITS TRIED TO KILL HER, THOSE G*DD*MNED MOTHERF*CKERS CAN’T EVEN SH*T PROPERLY ONCE SHE-” Zed tunes out the rest because he’s just realized that with all the bellowing going on down here, Patricia might come investigate. Well, if she does, he’s reasonably sure she’ll get completely dressed before coming down the stairs. Torgue continues his enthusiastic play-by-play of what had happened with the bandits, the words interspersed by the beeping of his built-in censor. Zed wonders when the thing will simply be unable to handle all of the high volume profanity, and stop working entirely. “-AND THEN THEY EXPLOOOOOOOOOODED!!!!!”

“Did you come out the damn _womb_ this loud?” Zed asks.

"Listen up close, girl, 'cause this splinter is hurtin' like a mo _foooooooooo_ ," Tina sings out. "Can't even get this shoe off. I might needs ta wait an itty bitty teeny weeny while 'til I feel better - you don't mind, do ya big bro?"

"UNLESS YOU GOT A LADY FRIEND WAITING FOR YOU SOMEWHERE! LET'S HEAR IT FOR LADY FRIENDS AND MAN FRIENDS AND F*CK IT, LET'S JUST HEAR IT FOR FRIENDS IN G*DD*AMNED GENERAL BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T HAVE FRIENDS THEN YOU HAVE NOTHING!"

"That was _deep_ , man," Brick says appreciatively.

"THANK YOU FOR SAYING SO IN SUCH A SUCCINCT MANNER."

Zed heads over to yank off Tina's shoe, because he's had just about enough. "Where the heck is this dangerous splinter?"

Tina wriggles her lint-covered toes at him after he drags off that biohazard she calls a sock. "Right there, my deliciously mature homeskillet."

"Damn, Tina, when's the last time ya washed your feet? Seems like all you need t'do to them bandits is go into the camps feet-first," Zed grumbles, intensely thankful for his surgical mask. "That'd clear 'em out in seconds flat. Okay, I ain't seein' it so you gotta-"

Brick circles around behind him and fans the air in front of his face. "Whoooo _mama_ , he's right! Tina, I love you, but... _gross_."

Tina whips off her other shoe and sock, rolling onto her back and sticking her feet up into the air. "Smell 'em! Smell 'em smell 'emsmellemsmellemmmm!"

Torgue roars with laughter as he adjusts his sunglasses, Brick pretends to faint, and Zed is so busy wishing they'd just _leave_ that no one hears the concealed door open until Patricia slams it shut. They all turn to look, and jaws start dropping left and right because Patricia hasn't gotten dressed at all - she's shown up in one of his smocks and absolutely nothing else, so there's no room for doubt about what they'd both been doing before the emergency buzzer had been pressed.

Patricia scowls around the clinic with a certain degree of impartial irritation. "What is going on down here?" 

"Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayum," Tina whimpers. "I just...oh, the hotness, can't take the _hotnessssss_."

"THAT IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AND NEARLY BUTT *SS NAKED 'SHOWER' I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE."

"...what he said," Brick says dazedly. "Hey there, Doc."

Zed scratches the side of his neck as Patricia comes up to him. "Sorry, Trish."

"I have been waiting patiently for your return, only to find what sounds like a _party_ going on beneath the floorboards," she informs him. "What are all of _you_ doing here?" Patricia asks, turning to look at the trio. "You are interrupting a carefully planned night of thrilling sexual indulgences, and I do not appreciate it. If none of you are dying, I must insist you leave at once."

"Oooh, I _knew_ you was up there gettin' hot and sloppy with her, son! High five!"

"YOU CAN JUST CALL ME MISTER TORGUE."

"Not you," Tina says quickly. "Sorry, girl."

"MY MISTAAAAAAKE!"

Zed looks up at the ceiling in the off chance that what's left of his patience is hiding up there in the rafters. "You ain't got a splinter at all, do ya."

"Heh, _thought_ I smelled some lady business on you, Slab!" Brick wallops him on the back, chuckling. 

Tina is just beside herself. "This is, like, the hottest thing ever. Two _fiiiiiine_ -ass doctors gettin' all naked an' stuff? Oh _yeah_. You were totally hittin' that when we was buzzin' in, weren't you? TELL ME YOU WERE HITTING _THAT_ ," she shrieks.

Patricia gazes at the younger girl in horrified fascination as Tina picks at her toes before pulling her socks back on. "There was no hitting of any kind."

"THAT IS FANTASTIC BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT DOCTOR ZED TREATS YOU WITH THE RESPECT YOU DESERVE," Torgue interjects. "A LITTLE SLAP ON THE *SS EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE IS NICE, THOUGH!"

Zed swishes his hands in the air, indicating the door. "Everybody out."

"I was, however, mounting him when we were interrupted - it was a terrible waste of a perfectly good, not to mention extremely large, erection."

"HOLY F*CKING SH*TB*LLS! AS A WISE MAN ONCE SAID, 'YOU GO, GIRL!'"

"Get _out_ ," Zed yells.

Brick ducks through the door, still chuckling, and Torgue gives a thunderous roar of "CONGRATU-F*CKING-LATIONS ON HAVING SOME HIGHLY AWESOME SEX WITH YOUR SUPER-ATTRACTIVE LADY DOCTOR FRIEND!!!" as he leaves, so that the entire city now knows what he and Patricia are up to. Some idiot down by the generator whoops in secondary congratulations.

"Girl, this is just-"

"Why're you _doin'_ this t'me?" Zed asks his young friend despairingly. "What'd I ever do that deserves this?"

Tina grins up at him, her lazy eye sliding over to ogle Patricia once more, so he steps between them. "C'mon, dawg. If not for me and my tuh-rusty lusty blowtorch, there's no _way_ she'd be on you like a midget riding a bullymong."

Now _there's_ a comparison he could live without, but it seems to tickle Patricia's fancy because she starts laughing. "A bullymong!"

"Why'd you even come in here?" Zed demands, shooing her out the door.

"Scooter saw your fine as _hell_ lady friend runnin' to get a bone, dude. Plus someone else said they thought they heard some puh-ritty loud ten dollah hollahs earlier, so it all adds up to bullymong riding. Yours truly needed to investigate."

"Don't call it that!"

"High-five for tappin' dat ass, girl."

"Go _away_." 

Patricia comes over, still looking as sexy as hell in his smock, and takes Zed's arm. "Who heard these alleged 'ten dollar hollers' and where were they standing when they think that they heard them?"

"It was totally that guy who hangs out and gives freebies to the Vaulties and he was totally all up on your balcony trying to get a li'l sneaky peeky at all dat hot bullymong action, _but you didn't hear it from your Auntie Tina_ \- you feel me, family?"

"I ain't a freakin' bullymong," Zed says at the same time that Patricia says, "Thank you for that information."

Tina grins and lifts her hand again. "Holla at yo girl - don't leave me _hanging_ , Doc Mong."

"Tina-"

"Okay, okay! You know you ain't no bullymong, girl. You, Lord Zedalicious of Hotpantsville, are the sexy uncle everyone lowkey wants to see naked-"

Zed hustles her out into the street, turns around, and slams the door behind him while Patricia laughs and murmurs the word 'bullymong' to herself. "It ain't funny," he tells her, bolting the door and glaring at her.

"Well, you _are_ remarkably hairy," Patricia says thoughtfully.

"You got about five seconds 'fore I get 'remarkable' on _you_ , so get your ass up the stairs an' back in my bed where you belong," Zed threatens. "Five."

Patricia tugs his smock down so that her breasts are nearly exposed. "What are you going to do to me if I don't?"

"Four. You'll see when I hit zero now, won'tcha? _Three_."

She traces her finger around his nametag. "I am not going to run up the steps, Zed."

"Liar. Two!"

Her eyes dart from him to the door, then back again. "You won't do anything."

"One, aaaaaaaand-"

Patricia takes off with a loud shriek the moment his lips shape the word 'zero' and Zed lunges after her, making her laugh so hard she nearly crashes right into the frame of the door trying to escape. "Help! A Fyrestonian _bullymong_...!"

He catches her on the fifth step.


End file.
